by Ruth Tansey
I wish I'd always been healthy and had a healthy relationship with food, but the truth is I haven’t. I struggled with an eating disorder from around the age of 12. Looking back there were lots of things going on in my life that I wasn’t happy with which undoubtedly led me to use food as a control mechanism. Many of you who have suffered or are suffering may be able to relate to this.
It all started because of the need to be liked. My best friend at the time was a lot smaller than me and carried a little weight, she was by no means fat but her mother would make comments about ‘what a lovely figure’ I had, this obviously upset my friend. My friend had a stocky frame where I was long and thin. I’d never really been interested in food one way or the other. Well other than deciding to become a vegetarian age 9. Which was completely for ethical reasons. Food was just something you ate at breakfast, lunch and tea and other than that I had no other relationship with it. But that was all to change.
I knew my friend didn’t like the fact I was slim, I can see now this was because of the comments her mum made. I didn’t make this connection at the time. Although I do remember feeling embarrassed by her remarks. I was 12. I didn’t have a figure. I was a child, and wanted to remain that way, High school for me was daunting. I was scared of boys and wanted to hide away. I'd had my long hair cut into a boyish crop and was very particular as to the school uniform I would wear. I didn’t want to look nice, I wanted to disappear. I still don’t really understand why, other than being shy.
I digress, so in order to please my friend I started using my dinner money to buy tuck shop snacks, we both did. She wanted me to get ‘fat’ like her. So I did, I put on some weight, felt disgusting, but nothing changed. I was still slim just not as slim, and I didn’t like the feeling. I believe initially I didn’t like the feeling eating all those chocolate bars was doing to my body. I think it was my body trying to tell me to stop. So I did. I started bringing in packed lunches. I would bring in a quarter of a sandwich and pretend I’d eaten the rest before lunch. For many days I’d eat very little, then I'd become out of control with hunger and binge eat on anything I could get my hands on, usually chocolate or sugary things. I’d developed a bit of a sweet tooth. Once I started, I couldn't stop, I’d eat until I was about to pop and then dash off to the bathroom to throw it all up. I’d tell myself before I started the binge that I was going to do this, so it was ok to eat it all. No guilt. This cycle repeated for many years. My weight increased as I could never throw up the amount of food I'd ate. My mum would make comments on me having a big bum. She had no idea what was going on otherwise I’m sure she wouldn’t have said anything. After many years I tried to get on top of it, but I was in such a habit of binge eating that it consumed me. I’d swear each time, that's it, this is the last binge, then it would happen again. I'd sit on the bathroom floor crying my heart out. What was wrong with me, why am I doing this to myself. Binge, throw up, starve. Binge, throw up, starve…...
It wasn’t until I met my current partner, at age 21 that things started to change. He was the first person I'd been able to open up to. I remember going out on one of our first dates and ordering a salad. He said he’d never go out for dinner with me again if that was all I was going to eat. I wanted to ‘please’ him so I confessed my issue with food and we worked through it. It didn’t change over night, but there were less episodes of bingeing and purging. I still looked at calories and fat in everything. Food still scared me. I didn’t want to get fat. I didn’t want to feel the way it made me feel when I ate too much. Bloated, angry and disgusted with myself. I found exercising and eating well really helped me. I enjoyed how I felt with the release of endorphins. I got into a regular exercise routine, that was healthy, and I supported my body with good amounts of protein and carbohydrates to enable me to train and have the energy to train and feel good.
I can remember my very last purge. I hadn’t purged for over a year, then we went on holiday and on the last night we ordered the biggest pizza ever, this was the second time, maybe even the third time we’d ate this huge pizza that holiday, and for some reason this final time triggered a purge. Perhaps I felt like I'd overeaten a lot on holiday and this was the final straw. So I purged, and straight after told myself very firmly ‘that was it’ Never again. And I knew I meant it. I had control now, I’d developed a good relationship with food. I wasn’t about to let all that go just because of one relapse.
Fast forward 7 years and my interest with health and nutrition developed into studying nutrition therapy with the College of Naturopathic Medicine. Now my focus was on nourishment. I’d denied myself good food for so long. It felt good to shift the focus onto nourishment. Nourishing foods. Being kind to myself. Learning the importance of vital nutrients. Letting go of the past. I didn’t need that in my life anymore. I understand it’s all part of being a perfectionist, but I can let go of that too. Learning not to take things so seriously, going with the flow, stopping pushing so hard. Understanding that it doesn’t matter if you gain a few pounds. It’s important to be healthy. You can still be slim and attractive when you eat. I love food now. And I also love myself. It’s been a journey. But learning to love yourself is an important part of the process.
A very heartfelt, honest article. I'm sure a lot of others can relate. Thank you.